How to Handle Being Talked Down to and Understanding the Real Issues.
Have you ever felt like you are being talked down to? Like someone is taking a jab at you?
Dictionary.com defines the phrase, “Talk Down to” as to speak condescendingly to; patronize.
It is not easy to deal with or cope with a controlling person. This is a common situation especially when it is in the work environment. You may find this commonly happens especially when someone is in a position of authority or notoriety.
Understanding that ‘Controlling person’ is a sign for much bigger issues with themselves. These signs may have surfaced years ago in the forms of bullying, being manipulative, as well as the opposite side of being passive or stifled for too long.
Personally, I found myself falling into this manner of speaking throughout my professional development career in management and leadership. I didn’t know back then that it was something to pay attention to or the effects it would have on people. I didn’t realize that I was making people scared of me as well as not like me as their manager. I didn’t know I was doing this, because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know any better as I wasn’t growing in personal growth in development. I wasn’t bettering my leadership skills. I wasn’t learning how to be a better communicator, teacher, manager, leader, or even friend. I was stuck in the “How-to” world trying to create systems for people to follow to have success in their business.
Creating systems for success is wonderful, but the implementation and support of them to the people who matter most in your own success was a huge piece of the puzzle I was missing, and didn’t realize I was missing.
Typically, there’s more to what’s going on as well. More commonly people will have issues they are handling on the home front and translate that into their work life. For myself, I was under some very stressful situations personally as well as professionally. My mind wasn’t growing and I wasn’t learning.
Until I realized the importance of professional grooming and development, I dove deep into continued learning. Conferences, books, audios, videos, anything I could get my hands on to be a better person, leader, and example. This isn’t a short term fix, but continued learning. It never stops.
What are some things someone might say that fits this description of being condescending, taking a jab at you, or just talking down to you?
Here are some examples that I have had personally in my own life and the feelings I felt from those statements. Some of these are cut/pasted from actual emails:
“What you’re talking about was changed LONG ago” (You don’t pay attention, not involved, and are a problem to deal with)
“No one else had a problem getting on the webinar, you were the only one” (You suck and you are the lowest on the ladder. Everyone else is awesome and you just suck)
“I TOLD you before that we did away with those changes” (My skills are horrible and I can’t ever be successful)
“Everyone else understood it, You NEVER listen” (What good am I? Why am I even a part of this? I’m not part of the cool crowd)
“Just want to make sure you understand all of these changes are “official”. Per our conversation Friday you mentioned you were waiting for something official.” (Let me beat you over the head with it and beat you down so you know officially who’s boss)
So, how can you handle someone who takes this position in their mannerisms and leadership style? As a reminder, it’s not you, it’s them. If they use words that are “cutting”, it goes back to the saying; “Hurt People Hurt People.”
- Recognize that you are dealing with a controlling person in order to combat his or her position because they want to be able to take control of you.
- Decide firmly, you will not be controlled or spoken to in that manner.
- Find ways to work together. Having an understanding of how their mind works and characteristics of their personality can work in your favor. Push the buttons that you know will get a positive response from that person, and take the heat off of you.
- Tell Them! If you continue to hold it in and talk about it behind their backs, it’s only going to grow. Sometimes, politely and confidentially telling the person how they are saying things to you makes you uncomfortable or is causing more stress in the situation.
- Stay away from arguing. Because really, who’s right in this conversation? In their minds, they don’t see a different perspective and can only argue from their righteous standpoint. Arguing against it is only going to create a much more difficult situation.
- Stay Calm and strong! Their problem doesn’t need to become yours. It actually will work in your favor if you show their behavior is rolling right off of you.
- Stay away. No need to have a relationship or interactions with someone that stands in this position with how they treat others. Interact with them only when necessary and/or required.
- Realize it’s not you, it’s them. They have much bigger internal issues that you won’t be able to change.
You don’t need to OWN how they speak to you. It doesn’t define you and doesn’t control you. Now that you can recognize and understand the reason for this, you can move away from it quicker and actually put that person in a different perspective. For me, I personally feel sorry for them. I feel sorry as I look at the environment they are in and how they are lashing out on others to make themselves feel better.
It bounces off me now. It doesn’t affect me. I know in my heart I’m a good person and I have a lot to offer. I have created a lot of great success and have helped thousands of other people create great success. I have value and I won’t let them tear me down.
Hoping this will help you stand strong and process those situations and/or relationships with ease.
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